Return of the Suppositories

My husband and I have another name for the infamous progesterone suppositories but I don’t want weirdos finding my blog so I will refrain from listing what we so fondly call them. I had 9 IUI cycles with them and I definitely have not missed them.

Anyway, I went for my weekly ultrasound yesterday and the SCH shrank from 13cm last week to 8cm this week (amazing news!). 8cm is still considered large but at least there is progress. And the bleeding has really been a lot lighter lately, except for the occassional large, disturbing clot seemingly out of no where.

The weekly ultrasounds also measure my cervix. Anything over 2.5cm is considered fine. Last week, my cervix measured 3.2cm. This week it was 2.4cm (a HUGE decrease within a week’s time). The ultrasound tech seemed kind of panicked and got me into an appointment with my OB even though this was my week off from the OB. The OB said there is really nothing we can do right now other than wait it out and try progesterone suppositories (which, she said are proven effective for strengthening a shortened cervix with singleton pregnancies but there is no proof they help in multiple pregnancies). She said all we can really do is wait and see and if it gets shorter than 1.5cm, I will probably have to be put on hospital bed rest (umm… that sounds horrific). She doesn’t know if the shortening caused by the SCH resolving (and maybe causing contractions as it resolves?) or if it is completely unrelated to the SCH (common in twin pregnancies).

Is it weird to be 6 months pregnant and still feel infertile? I know, not the same thing (I am pregnant after all!), but I just feel like my body is incapable / failing me (the exact same way I felt with every BFN).

Today I am 23 weeks. 24 weeks is considered viability (the earliest they will try to save the babies if they are born prematurely). I also will get a steroid shot next week to speed up the development of the babies’ lungs, just in case they are born prematurely (OB does it for all multiples at 24 weeks). I really am praying that I make it to at least 36 weeks but for now, I just want to make it to next week.

 

 

Couldn’t make this up if I tried

My OB didn’t have access at the hospital network I was at last week so I went in for an ultrasound this morning so she could be sure she agreed with the diagnosis.

The ultrasound tech started asking lots of questions “do you remember who did your ultrasound at the ER?”, “exactly how much bleeding did you have?”) and I brushed it off as me just being paranoid. Turns out, I wasn’t being paranoid and she was not seeing placenta previa but instead was seeing a “rather large” sub chorionic hematoma. Apparently baby A’s placenta is NOT previa and is in a good spot high up in the uterus. What the ER tech and on call OB in the ER thought was the low lying placenta was actually the massive hematoma (pool of blood).

Both babies are doing fine and were moving like crazy (phew!).

BUT, since I have a high chance of another big bleed and am having multiples, I am officially high risk and am on bed rest for an undetermined amount of time (until the hematoma goes away / absorbs, bleeds out, or worst case scenario grows bigger and causes placental abruption).

Hubby is out of town for work so I had my mom go to the appointment with me today, thank god. Praying that I don’t have another bleed at all, but especially while he’s gone.

Apparently this is very common for IVF patients and multiples so I have two strikes against me. I’m feeling the IVF guilt again, like I did this to myself by choosing to transfer two embryos. Work is being so awesome about it (letting me work from home during bed rest for the indeterminable future) and I just feel so guilty, like I am full of baby making drama that I caused myself.

Trying to take it one day at a time. We will have weekly ultrasounds to measure the hematoma. So again, all we do is wait.

16 Week Update From Hospital

Everything has been going really well. We even traveled to Denver for a funeral last week and I didn’t get sick or freak out (I did, however, vomit for the third time this pregnancy, exciting!). Other than that, there hasn’t been much action on the pregnancy front and that made me happy.

Then last night, I woke up for what I assumed was my usual 1:00AM trip to the bathroom but immediately felt a gushing / period is starting sensation. Once I got to the toilet I saw bright red, watery blood everywhere (toilet and underwear). I woke the hubby (who is thankfully in town this week), called my OB’s on call line (and left a message that was “to be returned within 20 minutes”, okay, OR SIX HOURS later), and headed to the ER.

The ER admitted me into the labor and delivery triage immediately, where we sat for about an hour waiting for the ultrasound tech to come. The bleeding got heavier and heavier, and we feared the worst.

The hospitals on call doc (NOT my OB’s on call doc) showed up just in time for the ultrasound. The ultrasound showed two healthy, moving babies with heartbeats still in the 150s (as they were in the previous ultrasound at 13 weeks). 

Don’t get me started about the on call doc’s apparent annoyance with “high risk IVF pregnancies” (as in, she made it sound like she’s against IVF as a whole). Which really pissed me off at 2am this morning but now I am just glad I have found caring doctors that don’t see the world in such black and white terms.

Anyway, Apparently baby A is too close to the cervix, resulting in placenta previa. The hospital is monitoring me until my bleeding subsides (SO. MUCH. BLOOD. OMG).Then after that, I guess all anyone can do about it is monitor me even closer (this week I was already supposed to start cervical length ultrasounds every two weeks), and hope that as the uterus grows, baby A’s placenta migrates north.

The bleeding briefly stopped but came back this afternoon (of course after they found the heartbeats again, this time on the Doppler only, to ease my worrying mind), so now I’m back to worrying.

So that’s where we are at. All we can do is wait (apparently a while in order for my uterus to grow sufficiently). But for now, baby steps. Step 1 -for the love of God,  please let the bleeding stop.

11 Weeks

I ended up feeling really, really sick on my flight home from Minneapolis. We had a jam-packed day and there was no non-lunch meat option for me at lunch so I barely ate (I’m not taking ANY chances dammit). Then we had to rush to the airport and the security line was so long and hot I thought I would pass out. By the time we got thru security, I had time to grab some yogurt and a bottle of water and then it was time to board. If I am not constantly hydrating by drinking water and snacking to keep something in my stomach, the nausea will hit me like a ton of bricks. So the three and a half hour flight home was miserable. Then, once I was home for the weekend, I came down with another nasty headcold that put me out of commission for 4 days (ENOUGH with cold and flu season already!).

Anyway so now the cold is gone but my nausea is apparently here to stay. I even threw up for the first time yesterday (poor prenatal vitamin timing is probably mostly to blame). It was miserable and I barely made it to the bathroom at the Five Guys burger joint that we were at but it was also oddly satisfying (like, “hey, I really AM pregnant!”). I know I’ve been lucky so far not being too sick, but sometimes I let my lack of symptoms bother me (there’s two lil beans living inside of me, shouldn’t I have twice the hormones / symptoms?). I know every pregnancy is different, yadiyada…

Other than that, I have just been trying to eat more. I have not gained any weight yet. My belly is bloated (PIO?), but that is about it. The book I am reading about twins / multiples pregnancy says I should focus on gaining 1 lb per week in trimesters 1 & 2 (based on my pre pregnancy BMI and height). I feel so behind and since my nausea is back I’m struggling to finish small meals, otherwise eat EXTRA food. I have to force myself to eat a 4th meal every night before bed (tonight it was a tuna fish sandwich, usually it’s cereal). Hubby spent all day Sunday meal prepping for me since he is out of town this week and lately I struggle to even make myself Mac n cheese.

On the bright side, I am done with PIO and estrogen in FOUR days! Dr A said to stop them at the beginning of week 12 which falls this Friday. I will definitely not miss waking up to stab myself in the arse every morning, wondering if today will be a gusher or not. 

9 weeks and FOFWP

FOFWP = fear of flying while pregnant (and is just another thing that I completely freaked myself out over for no good reason). I have convinced myself with help from Dr. Google) that flying in the first trimester ups your risk of miscarriage (ridiculous, I know… My RE and OB both told me it was no problem whatsoever). I really have been worrying less and less about the pregnancy but just stupid things I find myself obsessing over and have to snap myself out of it (“flight attendants have babies too” is what I kept repeating to myself this weekend).

So I left for a work trip to Minneapolis today and the flight could not have gone smoother. I somehow got the express security line (old school metal detector only, instead of dreaded X-ray machine) and the landing was the smoothest I’ve experienced in years (one googler claimed a rough landing was too much of a jolt and caused her miscarriage). 

My nausea has really calmed down in the last week but of course this morning it felt like it was back in full force while I was packing and then even worse while I was battling long, hot security lines at the airport (by the way, kind of scary how easy it was to carry on my PIO needles, just sayin’). My coworkers looked at me like I was nuts when I ordered a cheeseburger to bring along for the flight (they insisted their meager breakfasts would get them through until 4PM…and they still don’t know that I’m pregnant), but that cheeseburger was a life saver about an hour and a half into the flight. If I keep small amounts of food in my stomach constantly, I am good to go. And jolly ranchers, hard candy is a nausea lifesaver for me.

 Only bump in the road for the trip so far is that I forgot to pack my underwear. Which, with all this extra CM I have going on lately, is sort of a big problem. A problem I will have to solve tomorrow I suppose.

We met our OB last week (at 8 weeks) and got to see and HEAR two strong heartbeats. At Dr A’s office, lots of people were pregnant with twins. At my OB’s office, this is not the case. It’s a weird feeling and slightly terrifying with every comment from the Dr and nurses, “oh, twins?!”. Dr A and his staff made it feel like twins were the norm. Which I know isn’t the case in the real world. I’ve just been in infertility world so long that I forgot what it’s like outside of it I guess.

That was the Friday before the Super Bowl. Day of the Super Bowl my constipation / tummy troubles were causing such bad cramps that I convinced myself it was scary miscarriage cramps instead of just constipation / cramps from bowel movements (even though the cramps were accompanying bowel movements each time and there was zero bleeding). This constipation thing is no joke. I am thinking I need to start eating something other than carbs and jolly ranchers and hopefully my digestive issues will resolve.

Anyway, and so we keep on keeping on. 

Hugs and well wishes to all my ladies who I know are still in the trenches. For every stupid worry I have in my paranoid little brain, I in no way mean to take for granted my situation.

Hugs.

7 weeks tomorrow

We went for our 6.5 week ultrasound Monday and were able to see 2 beating hearts. Baby A is measuring a day behind Baby B (think I mixed it up last post) and has a slightly lower heartbeat but is still in the normal range, per Dr A.

And just like that, we graduated from Dr A and are meeting with an OB a week from tomorrow. It all felt very sudden and surreal. I know we really will miss Dr A. But I feel like I still have my safety net of PIO and estrogen until week 12.

 Dr A recommended the OB who delivered both his sets of twins (yeah, he’s big on twins), who his nurses referred to as “the female OB version of Dr A”, so I’m sure we will be in good hands.

In other news, my nausea and constant hunger are out of control. Pretzels and grilled cheese sandwiches are about as good as it gets right now. Still have not thrown up. Feel like I’m about to throw up every time I brush my teeth. I’ve already busted out the hair tie looping around my pants trick (assuming it’s bloat from PIO?). And if I have enough energy to cook dinner or walk the dog after work, it’s a productive evening. 

Still, loving every minute of it.

Results Are In

Hubby and I debated on whether or not to POAS before our Beta yesterday. Just the thought of it terrifies me because of the 4.5 years worth of stark white negatives we have had. But I was terrified that Dr. A’s office would call with bad news while I was at work and that I would not be able to hold myself together in front of my brand new coworkers who have no idea we are in the middle of IVF. I figured if I tested in the AM at home, I would get a good hour of crying done (with DH nearby) to soften the blow while at work.

Turns out, all of my worrying was for nothing since the at home test showed two beautiful pink lines (and my Beta results confirmed it later)! I have NEVER had a second line. We are still in absolute shock.

I was convinced that this cycle was going to be a bust and that all of my “symptoms” were really just Progesterone side effects. I even put off learning to give myself the PIO shots because I was convinced that by the time my hubby would leave town again (this upcoming Tuesday), we wouldn’t have to do the PIO anymore because we would get a BFN.

4DP5DT – Pain in lower back and butt begins

5DP5DT – SO hot when I woke up, more back and butt pain, acne breakout on chin (this is what really convinced me that AF was on her way), smelled smoke on coworker’s clothing / breath from 15 feet / a whole room away (he’s usually really good about not smelling like smoke at all)

6DP5DT – back pain continues, hot in AM again, tired PM

7DP5DT – back pain continues, hot in AM again, slightly dizzy when getting out of bed, light cramping in the afternoon, holy moly cramping before bed time

8DP5DT – still hot in AM, gassy, holy moly cramping before bed again

9DP5DT – BFP on FRER, beta = 203, random headaches, funky pee smell, random stabbing pain in right boob

10DP5DT (today!) – woke up with itchy rash near PIO injection sites (not a pregnancy symptom but worth mentioning), felt queazy / faint / almost passed out during PIO shot (not sure if it was because this was the first time I tried to give it to myself and I totally psyched myself out?)

Beta #2 is tomorrow. Doing everything in my power not to worry about Beta #2 results and to not give into my nonstop “will this hurt the baby?” thoughts.

One day at a time for now.

Happy New Year / P.U.P.O

I haven’t been as active posting lately since I just started my new job. I was hoping they wouldn’t want me to start until after the new year but they had me start December 14th, then they flew our team to San Fran December 18th for the Finance dept Christmas party, and then we stayed stayed there until the 20th.

I had a nasty cold my entire first week, so when I wasn’t spending every second with my brand spanking new coworkers (breakfast, lunch, dinner AND all day working next to each other while in the San Fran office), I was sleeping. Then by the time I got back home and caught up on sleep, it was time for Christmas and a lovely six days of houseguests (remember how I said I wasn’t stressed about holidays this year? well that changed by day 4 of houseguests).

Anyway, my frozen embryo transfer was this past Wednesday, the 30th! P.U.P.O. = pregnant until proven otherwise. I cannot think of a better way to end 2015. We opted to transfer two embabies. We do not know the sexes, but since we had a pool of 3 boys and 1 girl to choose from, chances are good for a boy / boys. We just told the doctor to have the embryologist pick the two strongest / healthiest embryos, and when we saw her (embryologist) during the transfer she said they were “beautiful”. I am sure she says that to everyone though.

FET – 3:30PM 12/30 – bed (couch) ridden per doctor’s orders; major cramping in the evening, passed out on the couch about an hour earlier than usual (hubby said I was snoring like a freight train)

1DP5DT – 12/31 – took it easy all day; nothing special to report (minor cramping randomly? could be all in my head though?)

2DP5DT – 1/1 -took it (sort of) easy all day; shopped for a new bra and realized just how swollen I am (from progesterone presumably? or from not working out for a couple weeks? boobs felt huge / heavy); minor cramping randomly?

3DP5DT – 1/2 – cramping (?)  in bed in AM; felt like I was going to pass out after AM progesterone shot (clammy, dizzy, seeing stars); mild hot spells throughout day

I haven’t told work about IVF. When they hired me, I was definitely not pregnant, so there was nothing to tell, right? I made sure to have a few drinks in front of my team while on the business trip. They are already scheduling another trip to one of our plants in Minnesota for mid February, which I am already freaking out about (reason 1 – I’ll have to give myself my progesterone shots – intra-muscular shots are pretty hardcore compared to the subcutaneous belly shots; reason 2 – I am obsessing over whether flying in the first trimester is really okay?). Nurse said that flying is fine. If I am considered a high risk pregnancy, I will just have to breakdown and tell my boss a little before the 12 week mark, and repay the company for the non-refundable airfare.

My BETA is scheduled for Friday morning. It is month end accounting close at work this week so I have a feeling this will be the longest week EVER.

My plan is to do my absolute best NOT to:

• google post transfer / pregnancy symptoms
• obsess over every sneeze, cough, dog jump on / near my belly, etc

Fingers crossed. Happy new year!

Good News and Bad News

Good news is my “cyst check” appointment / ultrasound went well this morning and I am cleared to start my Lupron injections (with my 2nd purchased bottle :X) this Wednesday. I have been bleeding like crazy, which is unusual for me while on birth control, but Dr. A said it could have to do with the cysts collapsing or the cysts just being there creating hormones. And side note – remember how I said the period after our retrieval seemed mild? Yeah, it was NOT mild. It was the period from hell. So the bleeding from the cysts is making it seem like another period is coming. Whatever, we are still on schedule for our 12/30 FET.

Bad news is that a couple who we are very close to (who is 4-5 months pregnant, whose pregnancy fibroid backstory I mentioned here: The Happiest Place on Earth) just found out the baby has some sort of severe “deformity” (her words not mine) and they have to terminate the pregnancy. The deformity was just “shitty luck” (her words) and had nothing to do with the fibroid. On top of finding that out, the fibroid (also inside of her uterus) has grown so large (due to the pregnancy hormones) that she has to have a MAJOR surgery done ASAP to 1) terminate the pregnancy and 2) remove the fibroid. She said that the fibroid is basically blocking her vaginal canal (for lack of a better term?) so they cannot even go in that way (like they would for a regular D&C). From the sounds of it, they will not know if they she will need a hysterectomy until they are in there looking around (she is petite and said that it has basically taken over her whole pelvic area). I guess the fibroid is very “vascular” (assuming that means there is a lot of blood pumping through it?) and the surgeons are slightly fearful for her life (there will be more than one surgeon operating).

All of this was over the phone and THE most difficult phone call I have ever had with anyone. There is nothing I can do or say to comfort her or her husband. There are no words for losing your baby. There are no words for the fear of losing not only your reproductive system but also your life (or your spouse’s life). And the whole phone call she kept saying “please don’t feel like you have to walk on eggshells around us regarding what is going on with you guys. We are SO excited for you and want to know how everything is going (with IVF)!”, could they BE any nicer? And then at one point she said “We gave it a shot and I guess it’s just not in the cards for us.” What do you even say to that?

Lovely

I broke a $400 vial of Lupron within an hour of picking it up at the pharmacy on Friday. That is all.